I'm no longer a first time mother. Having confidence in my ability to nurse, soothe, and love a baby makes a huge difference. Every little baby pimple and odd colored eye booger no longer sends me into a WebMD searching (and calling my mother) tizzy. However, the second time around comes with a new bag of self doubt. My main personal issue being: time.
When Isabelle was born she never left my side, she was held skin to skin and napped with. Now that Fiona has arrived I do my best to wear her around the house but some activities with Isabelle require her to be put into her swing. Sometimes I must change Fiona's diaper or nurse her, things that cannot wait and it leaves me asking Isabelle to be patient. I guess what I'm trying to say is the issue isn't so much about time as it is about my guilt.
I can juggle with the best of them but this "Mommy guilt" is a very real feeling. No naps during the day anymore and waking often at night left me feeling like a zombie the for first 2 weeks after giving birth to Fiona, just going through the motions. I felt guilty about not feeling like I was totally engaged with my parenting but now I am beginning to realize that it was just my body's way of settling in. The guilt about the transition that happened here in the house is getting better. Telling myself it wasn't 2 weeks wasted but 2 weeks of adjusting.
Now that I'm feeling more acclimated to our new lifestyle I'm feeling energized about parenting again. I'm starving for warmer weather so I can venture out on my own with the girls. I'm still having moments of feeling a pull in all directions, not exactly sure how to be two people at once. But mixed in with all of that are those crazy, silly, dancing, joyful, heart melting, blessed by God moments. The ones that will forever be ingrained in my mind during this precious fleeting time. It's a blessing and it fills my spirit looking after my girls but that doesn't always make it easy.
|Photo Credit: Jessica at Jessica Faith Photography|