Getting Our Groove Back

Since our newest addition has arrived three weeks ago (it's happening too fast), we've  *I* have been working to settle into our new family dynamic.

I'm no longer a first time mother.  Having confidence in my ability to nurse, soothe, and love a baby makes a huge difference.  Every little baby pimple and odd colored eye booger no longer sends me into a WebMD searching (and calling my mother) tizzy.  However, the second time around comes with a new bag of self doubt.  My main personal issue being: time.

When Isabelle was born she never left my side, she was held skin to skin and napped with. Now that Fiona has arrived I do my best to wear her around the house but some activities with Isabelle require her to be put into her swing.  Sometimes I must change Fiona's diaper or nurse her, things that cannot wait and it leaves me asking Isabelle to be patient.  I guess what I'm trying to say is the issue isn't so much about time as it is about my guilt.

I can juggle with the best of them but this "Mommy guilt" is a very real feeling.  No naps during the day anymore and waking often at night left me feeling like a zombie the for first 2 weeks after giving birth to Fiona, just going through the motions.  I felt guilty about not feeling like I was totally engaged with my parenting but now I am beginning to realize that it was just my body's way of settling in.  The guilt about the transition that happened here in the house is getting better.  Telling myself it wasn't 2 weeks wasted but 2 weeks of adjusting.

Now that I'm feeling more acclimated to our new lifestyle I'm feeling energized about parenting again. I'm starving for warmer weather so I can venture out on my own with the girls.  I'm still having moments of feeling a pull in all directions, not exactly sure how to be two people at once.  But mixed in with all of that are those crazy, silly, dancing, joyful, heart melting, blessed by God moments.  The ones that will forever be ingrained in my mind during this precious fleeting time.  It's a blessing and it fills my spirit looking after my girls but that doesn't always make it easy.

Photo Credit: Jessica at Jessica Faith Photography

Basically, I've decided that we're all new at this new family unit style and I'm going to cut myself some slack.  It's going to take some time but I know my heart and soul lies with this family so it's all going to fall into place.  The current game plan: Thank God, get as much sleep as possible, and hang on tight to the beautiful messy ride we're on!

A Kiss Goodbye

Every morning without fail, after my husband's alarm clock sounds and he's brushed his teeth and dressed, he takes a moment, just a quick moment to kiss me goodbye.

A gentle nudge from him as he stands over my side of the bed and in a whisper and with a kiss, "Goodbye baby, I love you.  I'll see you soon."

Lately my nights after Isabelle's story book, prayers, and rocking her to sleep have been waking every hour for Fiona's diaper change, feeding, and burps.  All of this happens next to him, with the glow and static of Isabelle's baby monitor in his face, and sleeping on the edge of the bed.  My singing, cooing, and rocking Fiona goes on all night.  If I have to make a run to the restroom I can just pat his shoulder, prompting him to roll over and we'll exchange nods and he's holding her until I return.

And still, when his alarm rings before the sun rises, he's up and leaves me with a kiss.  Since Fiona's arrival *we* have been getting sweet face caresses and kisses good bye.

With a sweet toddler who no longer naps during the day and a darling nursling who is up often at night, I can't tell you how much this sets the tone for our day.  Rest or no rest, when we wake we know we're loved, cherished, and missed.

And so is Daddy.

Photo Birth Announcement: Fiona Noel!

 My wordy version of her birth story will come later but for now, this is how it plays in my mind:

Fiona Noel

Born on February 4th, 2013 at 1:16 PM

9 pounds 4.1 ounces

18 3/4 inches long

Making happy the hearts of all who prayed for her safe arrival.  All glory to God.

*All of these beautiful memories were captured by my lifelong best friend Jessica Sigafoose.  More than a friend she's a sister, I love you very much and I can't thank you enough.  My other amazing support was my mom, Anne Williams, thank you and bless you for always being there, from my early morning phone calls to sitting on a stool for hours while I labored in a birth tub, I love you.  To my amazing husband, I love you, you were there for me spiritually and physically and I owe you the world for our sweet girls and all of your kind patience and understanding.  Thank you all for the bottom of this mother's so grateful heart!*